Sufferings
I feel like I’m silently suffering, trying not to let others know how badly I’m hurting. But in my head I struggle to grasp the reality that there is so much I can’t do and can’t accomplish at this time. The pain boils over as tears when no one is watching.
The pain pierces through me like waves of electricity, shocking my being into submission. I have no choice but to submit to the pain, to the fears. I’m humiliated by my circumstance.
I cry out not because of the intense pain, nor the lack of muscle control and coordination. I cry because of the unknown outcome of my earthly life. I cry because I’m scared. Will I ever be the same again? Am I losing part of who I am?
I have never felt so alone, yet so cared for by others. A lesson to be learned. I yearn to feel truly and deeply loved, to feel supported and safe. Yet I fear I’ll become needy. I push my needs aside to focus on healing. Is there more then the physical that needs healing?
They ask, “What can I do?” There is nothing anyone can do; even the doctors seem useless and incapable of even compassion. It’s out of ALL of our hands, only our Heavenly Father holds the remedy to my ailment.
I don’t ask why this was brought to me. I only ask, “Abba, what do I need to learn from this circumstance, this bump in the road? What do I need to do to get through this anguish?” Am I to drop to my knees in total surrender? Remake my life, my goals, and my plans? It seems so much to ask from someone who has already endured so many hurts. I thought I was on the right path.
A thief came in the night and stole it from me! Robbing me of my dignity, pride, independence, and spark. I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t entice it with an open window!
I want my life back!
I feel like I’m silently suffering, trying not to let others know how badly I’m hurting. But in my head I struggle to grasp the reality that there is so much I can’t do and can’t accomplish at this time. The pain boils over as tears when no one is watching.
The pain pierces through me like waves of electricity, shocking my being into submission. I have no choice but to submit to the pain, to the fears. I’m humiliated by my circumstance.
I cry out not because of the intense pain, nor the lack of muscle control and coordination. I cry because of the unknown outcome of my earthly life. I cry because I’m scared. Will I ever be the same again? Am I losing part of who I am?
I have never felt so alone, yet so cared for by others. A lesson to be learned. I yearn to feel truly and deeply loved, to feel supported and safe. Yet I fear I’ll become needy. I push my needs aside to focus on healing. Is there more then the physical that needs healing?
They ask, “What can I do?” There is nothing anyone can do; even the doctors seem useless and incapable of even compassion. It’s out of ALL of our hands, only our Heavenly Father holds the remedy to my ailment.
I don’t ask why this was brought to me. I only ask, “Abba, what do I need to learn from this circumstance, this bump in the road? What do I need to do to get through this anguish?” Am I to drop to my knees in total surrender? Remake my life, my goals, and my plans? It seems so much to ask from someone who has already endured so many hurts. I thought I was on the right path.
A thief came in the night and stole it from me! Robbing me of my dignity, pride, independence, and spark. I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t entice it with an open window!
I want my life back!
3 comments:
Thank you for sharing so deeply from your heart. I have never felt like I understood how this was really truly affecting you until I read this. I love you sis!! And on a happier note, your hair sure has gotten long!!
Thanks. I'm really going to challenge myself to not hold back my feelings, and not worry about what other's think.
Heather,
I do what I can, I'll do what I can. A hug and an I care is about the best I can do. Those that love ya would take away the pain but it does not work that way, so we can only help you bear it by showing you some love and kindness. Make sure you keep the door open for those that want to reach out to you... especially at your worst moments. You are in my prayers. May God bless you and guide you.
Stan
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