How having Fibromyalgia has changed me

The other day I was thinking about ways I've changed in the past year and a half, since Aug 2008 when my first symptoms hit me, literally hit me.

I used to feel like I could do anything, I mean anything! People used to label me as hard core. I was a good mom, but I also liked to go do fun things, push my body, hike, kayak, run, do triathlons. Even without doing those things, I could still stay up later and have time to read, and then it was no problem to get up early and go for a run, or just get up early and get things done around my house. It used to be like nothing to me. I could do all of it, and usually have energy left over! Sure, I would get tired sometimes, but not normally.

I think I've become softer, for lack of a better way to put it. I can't do all those things anymore. I get tired easier. I have to go to bed at a reasonable hour, I can't eat the same things I used to. My body doesn't respond the way it used to, to physical exsurtion, to stress, etc.

Along with the physical shift, I've also had to have a mental shift in how I see myself. Instead of that invincible, can do all, don't need help, go-go-go attitude, I'm aware of my own disabilities and capabilities.

It's not bad, just different. I've accepted it, I'm ok with it.

I think over all it's helped me to slow down, although I still need to slow down more. I see myself now in a gentler, slower pace way. I've been able to work on my inside me more, who I am spirtitally and emotionally.

I really have no choice but to accept (but not let it overtake) the way I am now. It's a fine balancing act. But if I didn't accept how I've changed, I think I would have to go through it from the begining again to learn the needed lesson. And I don't want to do that again!

People see me and say I look better and they think I've "beat" it and think I don't have to deal with it anymore.

I still have to deal with my symptoms every day, every hour, every minute. Whether it's the pain in my fingers, the stiffness in my neck and shoulders, my acute hearing, my creaking ankles, popping wrists, my tiredness, my sensitivity to foods and chemicals, or my forgetfulness.

It's all there. I just deal with it better. I hide it well from those who may not see me every day. But my loved ones know what I still deal with on a daily basis.

But above all, I have to remember that I'm a bit different then I used to be, but different isn't always bad.